Obama Administration Unveils New Tool to Fight Global Warming

The Obama White House has released details on the Administration's plans to fight global warming.

"The planet is in danger. Global warming must be stopped," said Steven Chu, Secretary of the Department of Energy.

Chu said that the Administration has discovered there are more than 300 million unregulated carbon emission sources in the United States: its citizens.

The Obama Administration is proposing a PCT program (Personal Carbon Tax) to develop technology which offsets the carbon dioxide created when Americans draw breath.

"It will not be a flat PCT," said Chu. "Those who are sick or elderly will pay a smaller tax for breathing. Children, while much more active, have smaller lungs and will also have a reduced tax rate."

Healthy adults will pay the highest Personal Carbon Tax, with the highest rates paid by unmarried men.

"Unmarried men tend to be very active sexually. Frequent sexual activity results in a lot of heavy breathing and a heck of a lot of exhaled carbon dioxide."

Chu noted that men who get married will immediately be eligible for a PCT rebate.

"Once married, men are virtually finished as carbon dioxide emitters. They do, however, become tremendous emitters of methane, especially during football season. They may be subject to Personal Methane Taxes."

Energy Secretary Steven Chu
Energy Secretary Steven Chu

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