** BREAKING NEWS** North Korea Threatens U.N. With War....

A spokesman for North Korea’s Foreign Ministry reacted with rage at the U.N. Security Council's threat to unleash multi-syllable words on his nation.

"Any use of these words against the DPRK will be considered an act of war!" exclaimed the spokesman. "We will respond in kind. We will use weapons of mass alliteration. We will lash out with onomatopoeia. We will dangle participles. No mercy will be shown to the enemies of the DPRK."

On condition of anonymity, a top U.S. general said he was "deeply alarmed."

"They're talking scorched earth here. This is serious stuff. We may have to respond to any North Korean escalation of the language war with the deadliest weapons in our arsenal," said the general. "We may have to use puns."

U.S. forces were put on their highest alert, and the sound of dictionaries being opened could be heard throughout the Yongsan Garrison in Seoul.

"I'm really nervous," said a young enlisted man. "The dangling participles...they really scare me. I only hope our puns will be enough to stop them if war breaks out."

In addition to the escalating language war, the U.N. is considering a "targeted economic boycott" designed to discomfit leader Kim Jong-il.

"No Elvis glasses will be allowed into North Korea," said a U.N. spokesman.

There was no immediate response from North Korea on the latest U.N. threat.



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